


The Desire For Affection

by theprydonian_archivist



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Character Study, Episode: s03e13 Last of the Time Lords, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-01-21
Packaged: 2018-07-15 01:01:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7199036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theprydonian_archivist/pseuds/theprydonian_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"the chemical formula for love contains dopamine, seratonin, and oxytocin. it can be easily manufactured, but overdosing on any of them can cause schizophrenia, extreme paranoia, and insanity."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Desire For Affection

**Author's Note:**

> this'll be my first story on here, huh.. enjoy, i suppose! uwu
> 
> Note from Versaphile, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Prydonian](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Prydonian). Deciding that it needed to have a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact the e-mail address on [The Prydonian collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/theprydonian/profile).

It’s the drums, the drums, the drums, and the never ending drum beat that pounded my heart and my mind into oblivion to a point of madness where even the idea of retaining a lucid state of mind was impossible. There was no end, as there was no real beginning, but only a boy, named Theta Sigma, and me.

The drums whispered to me about ruling solar systems, galaxies, and the whole universe if that was what it took to gain all of the things that proper leaders do. Leaders are respected, worshiped, and most of all, loved.

The reason I had not left with the love of my life was because I had figured he would actually stay with me, and support the void the drums constantly would pound into me, but that hadn't exactly happened.

He left.

And he wasn't the ruler of all of those galaxies, he was the hero. Everyone’s saviour. And then there was me. On Gallifrey, then following after, using scheme after scheme just for a bit of admiration. With each little thing, he would say it was brilliant, as I had still set out to rule. To be a leader. To be loved and admired across the stars. And just that little stupid compliment would melt my hearts each time, as dumb as it was.

He had always destroyed what I had built up and left me behind, taking another stupid girl with him.

And after waging Time War, waiting for him as I figured war would bring him to his senses and maybe he would come back for me, I had thought wrong.

So I sent myself to the end of the universe as a way of getting out, a way of dying slowly as a human, and so he wouldn't be able to find me. The Time Lords never traveled this far, and for good reason, too.

Leave it to one of his stupid Earth girls to point out a fob watch.

And trust me, having your consciousness kept in a watch for that long is the one way to build up self hatred. All you have is yourself. And if you happen to not like yourself, you have a problem.

When I had properly gotten out, being shot by one of my own admirers, or, an admirer of Yana at that, I had regenerated into this one.

Oh, this one.

And I really did not plan on keeping that void in my heart any longer.

So I took his idea. An Earth girl. A pretty one, at that. Loyal, somewhat brilliant, and willing to go along with what I had planned.

Which was just something else to get his attention.

And, what a surprise, she didn't admire me either.

But I didn't exactly seek her love, nor her admiration. She wasn't one that mattered to me. Well, she was only one. Out of a planet with billions that hated and feared me. So it tended to outweigh things.

And then I was shot.

And I knew.

No one could love a monster like me. Someone who sought admiration so much to a point where it drove him mad clearly did not deserve to live. So I didn't let myself.

“I guess you don’t know me so well. I refuse.” I was borderline breathless, trying to humor this new regeneration of his. A regeneration I had aged and de-aged a lot in the past year, in attempts to make him see I’d care and I’d pay attention no matter what he looked like, and tried to get him to speak to me through threatening people, but not even that worked. And if that didn't work, he must have hated me on some level I never even knew about back when we were kids.

“Regenerate, just, regenerate. Please, PLEASE just regenerate. Come on.” To lose his composure in front of these people wasn't like him at all, but after all he had been though, I just figured he was tired.

“And spend… The rest of my life, imprisoned with you?” I don’t want to be imprisoned. I want to be loved, and that would never happen. Especially not like that. He would just drag me around and tolerate me.

“But you've got to, come on. You can’t go like this. You and me, all the things we've done. Axons, remember the Axons? And the Daleks, and.. We’re the only two left. There’s no one else. REGENERATE!” Ah yes, the Axons. The biggest stab in the back, where he left me yet again. And the Daleks. The whole Time War. Where was he? Ah, yes, only two left… It was probably the only reason he needed me now.

“How about that… I win.” I had finally gotten his attention, after hundreds of years. I won. “Will it stop, Doctor?... The drumming. Will it stop?” All of these years that the drums drove me to do the craziest of things for his approval. Would it stop? Even in death?

No.

Because those who can’t be loved can neither be properly mourned.

For who is to mourn a mad man?

* * *

i may write a chapter two based on the End Of Time, depending on if people like it or not. so there is a chance of there being one. reviews please!


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